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Advances in Consumer Research Volume 18s I had an overwhelming desire to shower the girl with gifts. I bought her all kinds of things such as stuffed animals, clothing, and jewelry. Unlike before when I viewed dates and gift giving an investment, I was now making decisions about buying from my heart instead of my head. I spent so much money on the girl that I had to quit school for a quarter and work full time. I guess that's what true love is [M 25].
In America, money seems to have taken a big role in dating. I don't think that it should. Like the Beatles song, I believe strongly that "money can't buy me love". True love is developed through true friendship and trust, and generosity is only one of those features I don't think that money should be a big issue in dating, and I wanted to find someone who didn't car too much for money [M 24].
Money is a part of everything, even dating. It is impossible to date without money.
I guess I find it difficult to separate love from money. Not that money can buy love, but Dating for money money is an essential part of the dating process. I don't know if you can possibly have one without the other [F 24]. It seems sick to me. Like they try to buy each other or show how much they love each other in how much money they spend on the gift to the other person Dating for money. American dating, mating, and courtship activities employ money and tangible gifts as key ritual elements and as focal symbolic vehicles.
Gifts and dating expenditures "say" what cannot be said in words. However, perhaps due to the crass associations of exchanging money and gifts for the attentions and sexual favors of prostitutes, mistresses, gigolos, and gold-diggers, research on Western dating has largely ignored the monetary and material aspects of these relationships. A related explanation for this lack of attention is the inappropriate intrusion of the profane into the supposed realm of the sacred when cash and gifts become too prominent in our view of dating Belk, Wallendorf, and SherryBelk and Wallendorf Treating dating as an exchange relationship may threaten to commoditize and destroy the illusions provided by the romantic model of love.
The present study presents a brief historical perspective and qualitative data that illuminate the tabooed and neglected intersection of the material, the sexual, and the romantic in the dating practices of U. The role of material possessions in early middle class American courtship practices was not so much in impressive gift-giving as in displaying command of the resources for providing comfort and earning a living.
Rothmanp. Before a man could marry, he had to possess the means to support a wife and children His marriage "portion"--the land he would farm, the house in which he and his bride would live--came from a share of his father's property. Where the eighteenth-century man had looked to provide a simply furnished house for his family, men who married in the increasingly industrialized middle years of the nineteenth century set higher standards for themselves. They aspired to equip their households with cook stoves, pianos, Irish servant girls, indoor plumbing, or whatever they and their families needed to enjoy and demonstrate middle-class status Rothmanp.
At the same time, it was the responsibility of the bride and her family to provide a trousseau of clothes, linens, and "fancy things" to set up the household. In addition, a woman's home and schooling might limit her exposure to certain men. Lystrap. Upper middle class families also tried to provide their daughters with an education at a "proper" school where they could meet "appropriate" members of the other sex.
Middle class calling rituals, calling cards, flowers, and other small courtship gifts became increasingly elaborated, common, and expensive during the Victorian era Ames Dating for money The cost of courtship also increased due to more commercial entertainments such as "Taking a train or streetcar to a nearby town to see a show, ride a carousel, or dance in a cabaret" Rothmanp.
If men felt an increased economic burden in these rituals, women felt increasingly uneasy about the economic dependency that such gift-giving fostered Lystrap. However, it was not until the emergence of dating during the s that the cost and scale of interactions among unmarried men and women, especially those in college, made a quantum leap. Whereas courtship involves socializing with the intention of marriage Rothmanp. Factors affecting the development of dating include growing affluence, more recreational venues, longer periods of primarily coeducational schooling, employment of parents at increasing distances from the home making it difficult for them to supervise activities of adolescent childrenwidespread adoption of the automobile, and increasing emphasis on consumption Whyte Others cite the declining influence of religion, increased emancipation of women, the transition from a rural to an urban population, broadened mass media, declining emphasis on home, family, and marriage, and increased individualism and anonymity as causes of the development of recreational dating Burgess and Wallin Bailey summarizes the effect of these changes succinctly: "Money -- Men's money -- became the basis of the dating system" p.
With increased expenditures on dating by men, they began to regard dating as an investment in sexual pleasure: " Another trend that started in the s was detected by Waller a decade later and dubbed "the rating and dating complex. In order to have Class A rating they must belong to one of the better fraternities, be prominent in activities, have a copious supply of spending money, Dating for money well-dressed, 'smooth' in manners and appearance, have a 'good line,' dance well, and have access to an automobile WallerP. Coeds were seen to lose prestige if they dated less desirable men, dated too few men, or accepted last minute dates.
For their part, women also needed to dress, dance, and talk well, plus be physically attractive. Dress became such a restrictive social barrier that women even quit going to school because of insufficiently fashionable wardrobes Modell While Waller's analysis has been criticized LaschGordonit is generally accepted as describing a dating system that persisted in colleges from the Is into the s.
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Men were potentially able to use money and presents to obtain sexual "favors" from women, while women were potentially able to use their sexuality to "gold-dig" money and gifts from men. According to his "principle of least interest," the party least interested in perpetuating the relationship was best able to exploit the other.
The result, according to Waller's analysis was for both men and women to feign true love while attempting to secretly remain indifferent. After the World War II disruption of domestic dating, the marriage boom helped precipitate the baby boom which lasted into the s in the U. Bailey notes that bygoing steady had completely replaced the rating and dating complex. Nevertheless, Bailey finds that spending money on dates continued to escalate and advice books advocated judging a man's seriousness by the amount of money he was willing to spend on a date.
Material generosity by males and sexual generosity by females continued to be taken as s of love Katz Scott insightfully detected the role of college sororities in screening to assure matches that were endogamous in this case within ethnic group and hypergamous with a man of a higher social class.
Sorority women who attempted to date someone "beneath them" were quickly brought into line through the social sanctions of their sorority sisters. Sexual' practices on dates during the s continued to be conservative in comparison to the sexual revolution of the late s and s Whyte Dating advice manuals continued to warn against excessive generosity in women's sexual giving:. Offering your body to him in a bout of excessive necking will also cause his love for you to cool eventually, if not immediately.
Can't buy me love: dating, money, and gifts
This kind favor which, like the others, is too personal and too expensive will make him feel so obligated that soon he will start squirming to free himself from the obligation you have imposed Jacksonp. Even after the most recent sexual revolution, "Miss Manners" continues to advise: "Another thing that has not changed is what a lady who accepts an expensive present from a gentleman is expected to do in return" Martinp. Paradoxically, increased pre-AIDS sexual freedom may have encouraged men to be more demanding about sexual favors, resulting in what is now recognized as date-rape Bailey It will be noted that traditional dating guidelines, including the man's obligation to pay for the date and the woman's obligation to withhold sex and "bestow" it only as a special "favor" to the man she loves, were born in an era when women were less likely to work and were economically disadvantaged compared to men Harayda But while women are increasingly sharing the expenses of dating Kormanfeminism does not appear to have been successful thus far in reducing sexual aggression by men Korman and Leslie Nor, on the other hand, do contemporary ideological changes seem to have reduced the tendency for some women to be mercenary in extracting money and expensive gifts in exchange for sexual favors BushnellMcRay The less extreme forms of contemporary giving of sex, money, and gifts in the context of dating have not been studied however.
The present research is an effort to begin to understand such giving. Following preliminary depth interviews with five young adults, conducted by the second author and two other graduate students, 30 University of Utah undergraduates and 25 graduate students wrote essays on their dating histories and the role of gifts Dating for money money in their dating experiences.
Fewer than 10 percent of those sampled had dated members of the same sex. Approximately one-third were married. Each student was ased a random identification in Dating for money to provide confidentiality. Students were given the option, after final grades were given, of having their data removed from the data base; none chose to this option.
After these self-report journals were completed, the data were reviewed and a brief topical outline like one given to guide the journals was prepared. Based on this outline, the graduate students then conducted fifty in-depth interviews, which were recorded and transcribed along with the interviewer's reflective journals for each interview.
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Data from the informants 58 M, 52 F produced over s of text. While the age distribution of informants is wider than most college based samples, ethnicity is predominantly white with few blacks and Hispanics. Ten informants who were not raised in the United States were eliminated from the present analysis. Notably, the Mormon Latter Day Saints religion encourages early dating and early marriage Smith Such factors may limit the generalizability of these since ethnic differences in dating practices seem evident Porter As the opening quotations in this paper suggest, money is often a problematic issue in dating.
While the current set of informants sense some change in who pays for a date and often make it a point to both pay some dating costs, Dating for money majority of dating expenses are still paid for by the man, and some women never pay.
These findings parallel those of Rose and Frieze A common rule is that the one who asks for the date pays, but this was overwhelmingly the man. For others, all of whom are relatively impoverished women, there is some justification that the one with the most income should pay. There is also awareness of changes over the course of a dating relationship.
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For most, the man paid for earlier and more expensive dates, with later dates involving more sharing of expenses and less expensive activities e. A smaller group, composed entirely of men, believed in keeping dating expenses at a minimum until it could be determined whether the relationship seemed promising. A of women saw the issue of who pays in dating in terms of power and control. That's how I felt with Jed and I liked it. I liked having the control. You know when he's paying and asks where I want to go to eat I have to choose a place with the price in mind.
But when I was the one paying it was great because I could go where I wanted and order anything I wanted.
That's what I did with Jed.